Jessica and I got together yesterday so that she could give me my Birthday present (it’s on May 19th…she’s an overachiever at planning:)), and she also gave me a little grief over the fact that I hadn’t updated my blog in the past week. The truth is that I just don’t know what to say. This is such a strange time, because one minute I’m laughing at something someone said to me, and the next I’m crying my eyes out. I dropped off Sawyer at a kennel this morning (we are going to the beach for a week), and I couldn’t stop myself from falling apart when he walked out of eyesight. I told the lady that I would probably be calling later to check in on him, and she actually made me feel like I wasn’t crazy, which was nice. I was fumbling through all of these completely unnecessary instructions (like, “Make sure he eats his food” and “I hope he plays with the other dogs…” Ummm, yeah, Angie. It’s a dog kennel. I’m sure they’ve worked out the whole “dogs need food to stay alive” thing…) She just let me talk. I finally told her the story of Audrey and felt like I was coming across as a lunatic.
Here’s the amazing thing…she acted like I wasn’t a lunatic. In fact, even though we might never see each other again, she made me feel like she would rather be listening to me than doing anything else. It amazes me that people care the way they do. God has blessed me with many of these “strangers,” and I always think about the way that the Lord has allowed them to pass through my day, images of His grace in human form.
And so, as I type, I realize that I was wrong.
I do have something to say.
I am grateful.
When I was driving home yesterday, Ellie had her feet hanging out of the back window, and I kept looking in my rear-view mirror and seeing her toes tap along to the music while the wind blew through them.
I am grateful.
I found out that my sister-in-law got a false positive on a medical test.
I am grateful.
I am shaking and sobbing as I write, because I know that you are reading this, and that you will encourage me in my grief.
I am grateful.
My friend Jess (a different one!) from my church Community Group came over yesterday and took my girls to McDonald’s and to the Dollar Store to get me a Mother’s Day gift (one balloon, one card, three stuffed monkeys and a stuffed pig…what could be better?)
I am grateful.
Four days after Audrey died, I went on a weekend retreat with my Bible Study girls. I have been a part of this group for about four years, and we have shared life in a way that defies the world today. I think we are the “Ya-Ya’s who love Jesus.” We even took a candlelight pledge that involved sparkling cider and personalized hats:) In a rustic log cabin in the woods, they loved me through the hardest days of my life. They climbed in my bed with me while I sobbed, wiped my face, prayed over me, and made me laugh despite the pain.
I am grateful.
Since I have started writing this entry, I have received several emails from people who will never see my face, but have chosen to enter into my story.
I am grateful.
This Sunday is Mother’s Day, and I am the mother of five children…three here and two in heaven. I know. I haven’t told the story, so you may not know that Todd and I also lost our first baby early in pregnancy. That sweet baby is with Audrey, and one day, I will see them both again.
I am grateful.
There are other developments in my life that I want to share with you when the time is right. God has such a way of making Himself known. Reminding me of the life that waits up ahead. In the meantime, know this…
I am grateful.
I want to do something a little different here, so stick with me.
I get a lot of emails where people ask me questions. They range from the deeply spiritual to the gloriously mundane. My goal is to answer all of them, but time has escaped me and there are many that I never have the chance to address. I thought this would be a neat way for me to connect with you, so if you want to, write your question in the “comments” section and I will do my best to answer them in my blogs so that everyone can see. This idea (thank you Jess #1 ) feels like community to me, and I love that. So please, let’s share a little more life in the coming days. Feel free to leave any other comments as well…I love hearing from you.
Here are a few photos from my Bible Study Retreat….I hope they encourage you to make a list of some of the things that you are grateful for today. And, Secret-Saintly-Sisters, I love you all.
Jess, Julie, Me, Amy, Jenny (with Reid), Kristin, Larissa, Jeannie, Melissa, Audra, Melissa, Cherilyn, and Katie (and Kristen, who was in England).
