The Sticks and the Panties

I was shopping for some baby shower gifts and decided (as usual) to spend an extra hour smelling candles and trying to figure out what I could do with a cluster of sticks on clearance.  I started to put them in my cart and then reconsidered, because they were $25 and they were, well, sticks.

On my way out, I remembered that Abby and Ellie needed some new panties. Again, not necessarily the noteworthy portion of the story, but I am getting to a point here.

I start heading back to the toddler section and it hits me.  They will be six in December, and that means I need to start getting used to the big girl’s section up front.  I know it isn’t really a huge deal to most people, but it matters to me. It isn’t so much because they are growing up, but rather, the fact that I dress all three of my girls in the same outfits (yes, I am one of those moms).  Now, that they have graduated from a 5T, I have had to settle for coordination.  And that takes compromise and at least 3 different Target’s to get all the sizes.

Anyway, back to the panties.

I find the little section with all the underwear and leotards, and I am overwhelmed by the sheer number of choices.  I start to search one side, and don’t see any princess panties, so I turn around and see another complete section displaying purely girl’s underwear.  After skimming for a minute, I start to realize that they look different up here than they did in the back.  There are no princesses, and in fact, not a single character my kids care about wearing on their tushies.  I am confused, because there are plenty of them in size 5. Tinkerbell, Cinderella, Ariel, the whole gang.  Oh no, not in big girls.  Here we have pirates and “XOXO.” I start to get irritated, partly because I’m still a little bent out of shape about the going rate for stick bundles.  Did I mention the original price was $29.99? Firstly, that is absurd.  Secondly, $4 off a $29.99 item does not merit a red sticker.  Finally, (and it is entirely possible you have picked up on this), they were sticks.

Here’s where it gets ugly.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a package of hot pink panties, and the tag says something like, “low-riders,” and they have a drawing of a little girls bottom with the panties sitting way down low and exposing half her bottom. They are bikini bottoms, y’all.  In a size 6.  Make note of the fact that I just said y’all (thanks amanda:).  I am a Northener, and I don’t just throw that lingo around lightly. Bikini. Bottoms. Low riders. Size 6.

For clarification, what are these girls wearing that would merit panties that would make a plumber blush? 

It’s not just one pack, it’s the whole stinkin’ section.  I spent a solid 5 minutes trying to find ONE bag of underwear that look like they should be on a kindergartner.  I found some with the days of the week (which would have been okay if they hadn’t had these freaky, googly-eyed monkeys on the front), and a couple with (seriously) a skull and crossbones on the butt.  

Lest you imagine me to be a fashion-hating prude, I need to interject.

I appreciate a pair of sassy jeans (ask the ladies who come to my Bible Study).  I am relatively hip.  Okay, I just said “hip,” which, by default, contradicts it’s intended connotation.  

It’s just that I want my kids to be kids.  I want to go back-to-school shopping and not feel like I have to scan the school supply aisle before walking it because I don’t know if I want them to see what is on the folders.  I’m not going to beat around the bush here. I have always been on the cutting edge of school supplies.  I had a Trapper Keeper with a unicorn under a fountain one year. Not to be outdone, the next year I followed it up with the much coveted “Three Kitties in a Basket.” 

Oh yeah, sisters.  I walked the line.

I know you are sitting on the edge of your seat wondering about the panties.  I did find 2 packs of full coverage, non-offensive “briefs” behind the cool ones. They were $3.78 for a pack of 6 because they are not “butt-crack pants” approved.  Which works out fine for me because I prefer to clothe them with actual, you know, clothes made for a child.

I let them watch part of a Mrs. America competition once when they were 4 because they were going through a tiara-obsession. Unfortunately, Mrs. Ohio was wearing a dress that left nothing to the imagination, and I, being the eternal “teachable moments” mom that I am, decided to explain some of the finer points of modesty.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  3 days later, when Abby decided to confront someone in the frozen food section about her “privates showing,” I realized I may have been overzealous in my quest to change the world.  I also did what any self-respecting mother would do in this situation.  I pretended she wasn’t mine and started wearing a wig to Kroger.

You may sense my frustration.  I did a poor job of hiding it while I was at the store as well.  In fact, before I left, I decided to share my feelings with my sweet checkout woman.  If I can see a name tag, I always make sure to use the person’s name while I am in conversation with them. Her name was Daniela, and after a few minutes of confused nodding, I realized that she didn’t really speak English.  Here I am, shaking a pack of kid panties, and she is smiling and trying to resist calling security.  It was definitely scrapbook-worthy.

Have you had any of these moments as a mom? Please feel free to share and make me feel normal.

And don’t hesitate to tell me about your coolest Trapper-Keeper too.  I need to reminisce.

And if you bought the sticks, I want you to know, I am not standing in judgment of you.  In fact, I considered going back to see if they were reduced again, but there is now the issue of Daniela and the great panty debate of ’08, so I may need to find a new Target.

And a wig.

Ang