Here is the girl behind the prayers!!! This is several weeks
old, but such a great shot of our little bunny.
We wanted you to meet her:)
I am sorry it has taken me this long to post. I have spent a better part of the past two days trying to figure out the best way to write this. We had a really hard appointment on Wednesday (I noticed that my blog said Wednesday the last time I posted, but it was actually after midnight Tuesday night, and my appt. was the next day). We met with Angie, who was incredibly knowledgeable and great at her job. It turned out to be a day filled with information that is really difficult to digest and I am not sure that I have really gotten to a point where I know how to ask for prayer.
Here are the major points, although I want to warn you that I am going to include a few more details than I have before, and you may need to use your good judgment about sharing (I know a few younger kiddos have been reading this:) ).
As far as Audrey herself is concerned, these are the obstacles that we are facing. It looks like both of her kidneys may actually be polycystic. It was really hard to tell from the angles etc., but it appeared that this was the case. Secondly, her heart is still incredibly enlarged…to the naked eye it appears to be about 70-80% of her chest (but beating strongly!!!). She also has a large tumor on her lung that also appears to be polycystic. This is something that Patti thought she saw at an earlier appointment, but Angie confirmed it. One of the things that I have hesitated to mention because it is really difficult to talk about (and we just keep praying for a miracle!), is that she is in a very awkward position, and it is not likely that she will move because of the lack of fluid. She is what they call a “footling breech,” with one leg down and the other up by her head. This is really hard to process, mostly because as a parent you can’t help but worry about her hurting (we have been assured that this is not the case, but nevertheless, it is a concern for us). We cannot see her lungs because of the lack of fluid, but the medical assumption is that they are non-functioning because they did not have time to form. As you can imagine, childbirth is likely to be difficult based on this position. In fact, our doctor told us that it is most likely that she will not survive the birthing process. Dr. Trabue is a very strong believer, and I know he doesn’t doubt that God can heal her. He said so sweetly to me, “She has something I can’t fix. That’s God’s business.” I cried in his office and was just really grateful for who he is and Who he serves.
I felt like my appointment this week was going to be jarring. I really dreaded it and felt like God had told me I would be deeply affected by what we discovered. The truth is that I haven’t felt like there was any place to go but up based on what they had been telling us. And I thought maybe this week I might hear them say, “You know what? It isn’t as bad as we thought!” I don’t want to give up on that possibility, but I do want you all to know that barring a miracle from the Lord Himself, this child cannot medically survive.
It is a strange world to try and prepare yourself and your children for the worst, while keeping your heart focused on what God is able to do. I know that this email is fact upon fact. It isn’t pretty or well-though out. It is just hurt spelled out in a few paragraphs. My tears have flooded my bed, and I must admit that this is the darkest part of the journey so far. Sometimes I just cry out to Him like a beggar.
I want you to know that I am in the eye of the storm, and as much as it hurts to cry out to Him, the beauty is that I can, and that I do. If I didn’t have Him, I would not have the strength to write these words, or to live through my days. The only peace I can grab ahold of is that I am not alone, and that none of this chaos is anything but a beautiful symphony in the eyes of the composer.
I have been praying for you as well, and God has brought something to my mind that I pray a few of you will take me up on. I have been so comforted by scripture in these hours, and have clung to the promises He has made to me like they are my only lifeline. God has prompted me to make this offer to you kind, dear people who are walking with me in the valley. I would love for you to write me personally if you do not own a Bible (angelac519@gmail.com). If you would allow me, it would be my great pleasure to send you one. If there are specific things you are dealing with, and you want me to pass along meaningful scriptures as well, I would be happy to do so. I can think of no greater blessing for this time than to feel like I was able to introduce someone to the stories, the beauty, the poetry, the peace, the Baby…just let me know where it should go and consider it done:) Don’t be shy about asking…I’m so excited to be a part of YOUR story. I thank my God in advance for His plans, far exceeding ours.
I feel transparent and scared and everything in between, but I trust that all of these words will find their way into your hearts tonight, and that you will, as you have before, pray for our sweet girl. For tonight, I am praying for good sleep and patience with my children when day begins again.
Another prayer request is that we are leaving on Sunday for a 7 day Caribbean Cruise (Todd is singing). So there is the combination of flying and being out in the middle of nowhere with a somewhat unpredictable pregnancy…I feel a little unsettled about it.
I want you all to know that you were with me in the ultrasound room. You were with me on the airplane. You were with me when I needed someone to speak wisdom into my life. I hope you will be with me when we see the fingerprints of God on Audrey’s life and I don’t doubt for a second that we will.
I am forever grateful that our paths have crossed.
Angie
